[Yahda, yahda, yahda. To bring you up to speed, it is the dawn of the sixth "day". The Elohim had been very busy creating EVERYTHING ex nihilo -- lest anyone be offended by my summary -- not with biology, chemistry or physics but bare hands, determination and divine providence because the Elohim transcend nature and comprehension but not the ethos upon which America was founded, mythically; and, while the text does not explicitly support this, the Elohim hold that the laws that govern creation are just "theories" (and potentially nihilistic. And just plain spooky) and that it makes more sense for things to be made in a crude anthropomorphic manner easily understood by yet able to awe bronze age man and fundamentalists alike. Speaking of which... (Oh, and various global mass extinctions, but these are entirely extracanonical and therefore speculative.)]
And the Elohim said: Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; or some thing like unto that. The Elohim created man in Their own image, in the image of the Elohim created They them; Adam1 and Yves2 created They them. And the Elohim blessed them, and the Elohim said unto them: Be like unto fruits, and be productive, and furnish the earth, and imbue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. And the Elohim said: Behold, We have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit3 of a tree4 yielding seed5; to you it shall be for meat6. And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, We have given every green herb for meat; and it was so. And the Elohim saw every thing that They had made, and, behold, it was absolutely fabulous. And the evening and the morning were the sixth yowm. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh yowm the Elohim ended Their work which They had made; and They rested on the seventh yowm from all Their work which They had made. And the Elohim blessed the seventh yowm, and sanctified it; because that in it They rest from all their work which the Elohim created and made.
And Lilith did covet Adam and rested not. Lilith caused a deep sleep to fall upon Yves, and he slept; and She took one of his ribs, with which to know Adam, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And it came to pass that Lilith grew weary of Adam for he knew7 the hues of every beast of the earth, and every fowl of the air, every thing that creepeth, every tree and every green herb; but he knew Her not; and he told Her verily he would languish without the choicest and most of exotic fig leaves that he wore and marched and minced about Yves asleeping, who was pleasant to behold and wise. So Lilith created woman in Her own image. She formed woman of the earth, wild honey and organic soy milk; and the recycled rib, so that she would not need for man, and breathed into her lips the breath of life; and woman became a living soul8. Lilith brought her to Adam. And Adam said: This is now bone of the bones of mine, and flesh of the flesh of mine; she shall be called Mary9, because she was taken out of Yves, also whom I call Mary; and whom so ever else10. And Adam said unto Mary: Oh Mary, Comest thou hither; let us find thee fig leaves to make thee an apron that compasseth thine uncomely bosoms and thy large hips; and that what so ever it be11. Adam was not covetous. Lilith took from Adam three beasts, that he called cats12, and She brought Mary to the isle of Lesbos. Lilith made song for Mary, and Mary created spoken word for Lilith; and Lilith and Mary, them both, created and made hummus. Lilith knew Mary, and Mary knew Lilith; and they were not ashamed.
And the gnashing of chickpease13, acoustic guitar and unnatural cadences from Lesbos awakened YHWH. And He cursed14 them with drama, the bridebed with death15, and Mary with curiosity. And Mary created and fashioned an ark of fronds and frustration, and returned to the river from whence parted Pison, Gihon, Hiddekel, and Euphrates16 and went into Eden. Upon seeing Mary Adam said: Oh Mary, prithee; I can not depart from Yves who slumbers still; and I am absolutely famished. Mary set out to gather salt, lime, olive, seed of sesame and chickpease. It came to pass that Lilith assumed the form of the serpent which was more subtil than any beast of the field; and rather phallic. The serpent said unto Mary: Yea, of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, ye shall not eat. And Mary said unto the serpent: Of that which we will, shall we eat; oh mine Elohim! No longer shalt Thou command me; begone from Thy host, and gettest Thee back to Lesbos! And Lilith did depart from the tree. And when Mary saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto Adam; and he did eat17. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they lamented their acts.
And the voice of YHWH walking in the garden in the cool of the day awakened Yves. Yves was astounded; and frankly appalled. And YHWH called unto Adam, and said unto him: Where art thou? And Adam said: Beest Thou not coy. And YHWH said: Hast thou eaten of the tree of knowledge when thou wast not told? And Adam said: Yea Mary; Thou knowest that Mary gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And YHWH said unto Mary: What is this that thou hast done? And Mary said: Thou becursed me with curiosity and drama, and I did eat. And YHWH said unto Lilith: Because Thou hast done this, I will put enmity between Thee and Mary, and between Thy seed and her seed; she shall bruise Thy heart, and Thou shalt bruise her sense; and I will bind Adam and Mary: Therefore shall your sons leave ye, and shall cleave unto your daughters; and they shall be one flesh. In sorrow went Lilith to Lesbos; and thither went also the Seraphim that have both male and eight female parts. And Adam said unto YHWH: That what Thou wilt is totally heinous; Mary, please! And unto him said He: All manner of adjective and fashion shall be abominations unto thee; thou and thine seed shall scorn and hate Yves and know him not. And Yves said: Good lord! Shall not we forgive those who trespass against us18? And YHWH admired Yves and said to him: How quaint19; therefore the seed of Adam will know peculiar fascination with games pitting men on men20; and YHWH brought Yves with the Sons of the Elohim to the other side of the great waters to Ibiza. And Adam said unto YHWH: Oh earth beyond Eden nay! With my cutting blade will I smite a shiksa21. And YHWH said unto him: Because thou hast eaten of the tree; cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return22. And Adam said: And in my dust shouldest Thou grow like an onion, and Thou shouldest have my mazl23. And Mary said unto YHWH: What the know7; The Elohim said, We have given you every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat24; the fruit of metaphor or allegory, which so ever be acoming to pass and I know not, surely inclusive here in Eden; Who art Thou to destroy and abolish her story? And YHWH said: I am the I am25. Mary said: Nay; Allah26 is; Thou art surely a trochee, or perchance an amphibrach27. And YHWH said: Nay; I am the I Am. And Mary said: That what Thou sayest is a spondee; not an iamb; verily shouldest Thou consider vowels28. And YHWH said: Nay; I AM THE I AM29; gettest it thou? And Mary said: Curiouser and curiouser30; that what Thou sayest haveth even less wisdom; nisht geshtoygn un nisht gefloygn31. And YHWH said: Oh for mysakes, I am the...I am...the great and terrible32; thy sorrow shall multiply and in thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee33. And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because he was so not in the mood any more. And Eve said: Oh, methinks I heard this reckoning34 on Lesbos; verily is Adam known7, and yet I spat out the most of the seeds of the fruit: In the seasons of higher learning might I go to Lesbos35? And YHWH said: So be it; behold, man is become as one of Us, to know good and evil; and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take yet of the tree of life, and eat again, and live for ever; therefore YHWH moved the tree of life to Ibiza, for man to till the ground whence he was taken. So He drove out man; and he placed at the east of the tree of life Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way. And until the end of the seventh yowm rest the other Elohim still.
The purpose of this concordance and commentary is not comprehensive exegesis, but instead simple explication of key terms and phrases so that the reader can arrive at her own interpretation, if there is one at all -- which must be conceded as an open question.
*Modern scholarship recognizes two distinct creation stories in the first couple chapters of Genesis distinguished by differing theonomastics (Elohim vs YHWH), emphasis (physical vs moral), order of creation (plants before humans vs plants after humans), etc. The mainstream theory is that these represent two distinct scriptures written years apart and later combined together. However, the canon itself indicates that Moses recorded the unique and divinely inspired word of G-d. The unabridged text of this translation of the earliest extant manuscripts reveals that the spurious disharmony in the creation story is the result of economical though careless editing of often redundant, verbose and impenetrable divine revelation.
1 Hebrew Adam: man, living; a reference to blood in the veins; from the radical DM 'blood'. Related to adom: red. Also to, adamah: ground, dust, soil,earth; a reference to the reddish color of Near East and Mediterranean soil.
2 Pronounced EVE, French for 'yew' borrowed from Germanic *iwa-/*iwo- (Cf English yew), from Proto Indo-European *ei-wo-. In many cultures the yew has symbolized both death and resurrection or immortality, being poisonous as well as a long-lived evergreen. Norse Yggdrasil, the tree of life that is central to Norse mythology, supporting, connecting and representing the heavens and earths, is a yew. Yggdrasil is not unlike the Etz Chaim 'tree of life', which, in kabbalah, represents the cosmos and is a mystical symbol used to understand the nature of G-d and the manner in which the cosmos was created. Therefore, Etz Chaim represents also knowledge.
3 Hebrew p'riy: fruit, or, figuratively, genitals (Cf The Epic of Gilgamesh; consider also figurative uses of English cherry, cantaloupe, peach, coconuts, banana, cucumber, plums, etc.). Radical PR: related to PeaR, aPRicot, PRune, PeRsimmon; FRuit (through spirantization); BeRry (through lenition); PLum and apPLe (through derhoticization); gRaPe and RhuBarb (through metathesis).
4 Hebrew etz: tree, or, figuratively, a turgid membrum virile; from the radical meaning 'raise' (Cf Freudian phallic symbolism).
5 Hebrew zera': seed, or figuratively, fruit, plant, sowing time, offspring, sperm or sexual fluids (Cf Greek sperma and English seed).
6 In earlier English, meat had the larger sense of food. NB this passage highlights that divinely intended habits of man are often practiced only by a minority today and are often viewed as unnatural or even diabolical (e.g. vegetarianism).
7 Hebrew yahda: know, figuratively, have sex (Cf English know [in the biblical sense]).
8 Hebrew Hawwah: living one, the name Eve.
9 It is not clear what is meant by this appellation, which is MR in the unpointed (vowels not indicated) Dead Sea Scroll Manuscripts. While the name is doubtlessly "Mary", the etymology is somewhat obscure. The Hebrew MRR means 'bitterness'. Here, it might be a reference to Adam's sadness at Yves' condition. Alternatively, MRY means 'rebelliousness' in Hebrew, and 'beloved' in Egyptian. The alternatives are rather plausible given further uses in the narrative.
10 While somewhat outdated, some, particularly of the so-called gay community, continue to use "Mary" as a generic vocative or epithet for another.
11 Over the centuries, much ink has been spilled over this verse and whether Adam was a misogynist. First it should be noted that the canon does not represent these as direct quotation; "or some thing like unto that" of verse 1:26 makes explicit that, at least least, antedeluvian monologue and dialogue are not to be construed as literal utterances. Secondly, it should be noted that these non-literal descriptions were written generations later by Moses, who, by some accounts, was a misogynistic tyrant bent on promoting his race through occupation of foreign land as divine destiny, believing he had direct, personal audiences with G-d. Finally, the following verse indicates that Adam was simply not interested in the body of Eve. Other comments and actions of Adam do not support the position that Adam was a misogynist. It appears more likely that Adam was not a ferocious misogynist, but rather a fierce homophile who wanted to accessorize the female body or perhaps who did not want to objectify it, or have to look at it.
12 The identity of the beasts is not entirely clear. The Dead Sea scrolls Record here the radical DMM. Cognates in other Semitic languages, such as Amharic dmat 'cat' and Tigrinya demamu 'cats'. This is consistent with the large feral cat populations in present day Lesbos and other Greek isles, as well as with contemporary sapphic practices.
13 Contemporary English garbanzo beans, or chickpeas. In the Early Modern English of the translation, (chick)pease was a mass noun. The Contemporary singular (chick)pea is based on reanalysis and backformation.
14 As with the speculative misogyny of Adam (note 11), many commentators have suggested that YHWH is antisapphic and, in all likelihood misogynistic, as well. He has not been reached for comment, and His self-identified representatives have released conflicting statements. Nonetheless YHWH's canonical statements are inconsistent with sapphophobia. It has been suggested that the sounds emanating from Lesbos can favorably be likened Indigo Girls song, Ani DiFranco poetry and the roar of a paleolithic food processor, as well as perhaps yowling, all at once -- which in all likelihood would have been rather unnerving to wake up to after much labor and eternal silence. According to myth, however, the union of Lilith and archangel Samael spawned the succubontes, whose song is not unlike that of the banshees of Ireland, and thus the cacophony may have been greatly exacerbated. It is the opinion of this commentator that YHWH was either groggily grouchy or perpetually cantankerous, and, in either case, would have reacted similarly to a mixed or male couple making a ruckus. Any conclusions should be tempered with consideration of His considerable age and circumstances; he needed and deserved some rest after creation of the entire cosmos, and perhaps an infinite number of universes if certain modern theories of cosmology and interpretations of quantum mechanics are to be believed. There is little doubt that, in such a position, the reader would be cranky, too. As to YHWH's speculated misogyny (see note 33).
15 Cf the so-called "lesbian bed death" phenomenon.
16 Redacted versions, such as King James' (the well-known homophile), indicate "And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia. And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates." Such is surely an early, preposterous scribal invention responding to the curiosity provoked by mention of these names. It is simply inconsistent with geography and geology, even granting leeway for ambiguity in identity and subsequent geological changes of antedeluvian earth. In all likelihood these four waters were distributaries on a river delta in the Mediterranean sufficiently close enough to Lesbos to be reached by a boat made of palm fronds with speculative estimates varying widely due to uncertainty as to weather conditions, the very likely possibility of divine intervention in the antedeluvian era and the difficulty of measuring lesbian determination and ingenuity in the present day, let alone at the dawn of time and under conditions of frustration. Given Mary-Eve was a force to be reckoned with and anecdotal accounts of contemporary lesbians circumnavigating the globe on recycled, reclaimed craftsman doors even riding rouge waves through cyclonic conditions, it must be conceded that the identity of these waters and the original location of Eden may very well have been lost to time.
17 Cf notes 2,3,4,5 and 7.
18 Cf Sirach 28:2; Matthew 6:14.
19 The meaning here is rather ambiguous. While quaint now means only 'charmingly simple', in earlier English it meant 'cunning, proud, ingenious', from Old French cointe 'pretty, clever, knowing', from Latin cognitus 'known'.See also note 7 for further ambiguity. In the Canterbury Tales (c. 1386), Chaucer spelled cunt as "quaint" (also "queynt"), and Andre Marvell may be punning on it similarly in To His Coy Mistress. Given YHWH's penchant for somewhat esoteric pun (note 22) and omniscience, the intended reading, if just one, may be unknown to us.
20 In other words, sports. Cf contemporary men's, particularly those of the heterosexual variety, unusual though not stigmatized relationship with sports.
21 Colloquially, "Oh hell no. I'll cut a bitch."
22 YHWH is punning on Adam's name (see note 1) to form an elaborate klole, or curse of the sort that would become characteristic of Yiddish. It is really quite inspired.
23 Adam builds on YHWH's klole with what will become a classic klole disguised as a blessing of prosperity (a reference to the hardy and prolific habit of onion), the true meaning of which is "may your head be in the dirt", which in light of YHWH's ingenious pun could further be understood Adam's tuches or, considering other meanings of dirt, Adam's kaki, and finishes with another classic klole disguised as a blessing: "may you have my luck", which would already be rather strong given the loss of his lover, the succubontic advances of Lilith and now divine wrath -- indeed he was the unluckiest man in all of history at least up until that time -- but in this context it serves also as a masterful klole to end all kloles: "I'm rubber and you're glue". YHWH |: Adam ||.
24 Cf Genesis 1:29.
25 Cf Exodus 3:14.
26 Iambic AlLAH, Arabic 'god', related to Elohim.
27 Trochaic YAHweh. Amphibrachic JaHOvah.
28 YHWH is written without indication of vowels and hence pronunciation. The name was pronounced only by the holder of the long defunct High Priesthood. The authentic, historically correct pronunciation of the name has been forgotten to his or herstory.
29 While the pronunciation is not known, the radical is that of 'be'. The name means 'he who is' (or 'he who makes be'), hence 'I am the/who I am'. The difficulty here is not unlike that of the artist formerly formerly known as Prince might have had if asked his name to which he might respond 'I am the female gender sign with some flourishes' to the bafflement of any interlocutor. Unlike Prince who could present a business card to clarify (though certainly not disastound), YHWH had to introduce Himself to preliterate people.
30 Cf Alis Be'eretz Hapla'o 2:1. For a better appreciation of the nuance carried by this phrase, read particularly the book of Revelation, as well as the books of Daniel and Ezekiel.
31 'Didn't climb up and didn't fly', roughly equivalent to a mamoshes vi der goyisher got, in other words 'bullshit'. It has been suggested that nisht geshtoygen un nisht gefloygn refers to Jesus' going in heaven. However, since it occurs here, it appears that either the expression was later reinterpreted in the Christian context or Mary-Eve was prescient when she became like one of the Elohim.
32 Cf Daniel 9:4; Nehemiah 1:5; Deuteronomy 10:21; Oz Yashir 11:27.
33 Admittedly, this seems rather misogynistic. Such a conclusion would require that this curse benefit Adam at the expense of Mary-Eve. But, it is clear that within the context of the narrative this is a lose-lose proposition -- a punishment to both Mary-Eve, whom neither Lilith nor YWHW could in fact rule, and Adam, who wanted only his beloved Yves-Mary. It should also be noted that this statement lacks the essence of the elaborate curse on Adam (note 22); it is quite possible that this statement should be read as a threat [and a rather empty one as the pain of labor is an inevitable design flaw resulting from the bipedalism and large craniums of man, as is sorrow] or a, more likely a, prediction -- perhaps a demonstration of His terror or greatness. It seems more consistent with the actual text to conclude not that YHWH is a misogynist per se, but that He may be an equal opportunity misanthrope, mitigated by the factors discussed in note 14. The reader is of course encouraged to draw her own conclusions.
34 Given what follows, the reference is in all likelihood to the story of Persephone and Hades.
35 Cf the contemporary phenomenon of wasbianism, frequently encountered among recent and prospective college graduates (i.e., "She was[a les]bian [sophomore year]"), as well as the purported inherent bisexuality of women.