Only Your Loved Ones Care Enough

Another something I wrote some time ago...
SAN FRANCISCO -- Authorities are investigating the suspected homicide of a woman whose body was found stuffed in a suitcase floating in the San Francisco Bay....

Seriously? I wonder what in the world would lead anyone to suspect that! Obviously only paranoia. Seriously?! "Suspected" !? Are the writers afraid her death is going to sue for libel? Seriously! Don't they realize that "stuffed" entails a "stuffer" and, in any case that, first, her death would have to prove that it wasn't homicide and, second, that it suffered demonstrably as a result of being portrayed negatively as a homicide. But, I think we can rest assured that it's resting peacefully after a gruesome HOMICIDE and STUFFING. Seriously!!! Surely they weren't afraid that they would have to print a retraction: Coroner concludes body died of natural causes and then stuffed itself in a suitcase and set itself afloat in the Bay, leaving the scientific community baffled, the Zombie apocalypse proclaiming "it's just the beginning" and the regular apocalypse people heralding "the end is here". THAT would be news. But, no one needs to wait for the Coroner's report; the murderer already declared it was homicide when he stuffed his kill in a suitcase and threw it in the Bay. And, it was a he, because women are not that stupid. There is absolutely no need for suspicion, and there's actually no need to suggest it as a homicide: "Authorities are investigating body of woman found stuffed in suitcase floating in the San Francisco Bay" -- homicide goes without saying. And, it can't be that they are concerned for the family. I'd rather read that grandma was killed than STUFFED in a suitcase.

Clothes belong in suitcases, folded carefully, not stuffed, and not my student's grandmother. Thank god he doesn't read! I just got an email from one of the directors. I can't help but thinking that that's more of a early afternoon email than a late night one. I didn't even know anything about it. There's a reason I don't watch the news. Now, I cannot help but thinking this is the second time I was connected a suspected homicide in the Bay, not to mention the various unqualified homicides. The first was Laci Peterson.

Scott and I were lovers. Actually, that could be misleading. It wasn't until after the murder. Who do you think convinced him to bleach his hair. No, that's not true either. Scott and I were lovers only in a reality contemplated briefly before Amber Frey showed up. Whatever happened to standing by your man; he's one of the few adulterers who says he's leaving his wife and actually does. And, he was cute. But, me, I don't go for the whole homicidal straight thing. Homicidal is okay; it can make dates ever the more interesting. And, straight's an option in a pinch, like in the military or in prison where there are far too few gays to go around. But, the combo has a synergy that is just unpalatable!

What is it with people here? Killing people and dumping them in the Bay like yesterday's sewage! This is why I am suspicious of people. Can't they see that the vast Ocean with tides and currents is just a few more miles away? If the pollution and waste don't disappear, why would you think Grandma would even if you put her in suitcase. Maybe I'm too suspicious of people. The director wants to do a donation drive for the family.

But, I can't help but thinking that before we go filling the family's suitcase with money someone should check and see that it's not already stuffed. Now THAT's a suspicion, but I'm willing to bet that that bears out, too. Strangers leave you were they kill you, unless they're serial killers.... Then they put you some place special where they can better enjoy their kill, like in a favorite remote park, in mom's sun dress or in grandma's famous chili recipe.

Only your loved ones care enough to try to hide your body.